One of These Guys is Dead Like the Other
by DeadShaggy
Summary: Goku and Kuririn have a nice conversation, and people die. If you review, I'll buy you a Baby Nougat.
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own DBZ.

It was a rather quiet day in the Son home, for once everyone was just relaxing. Kuririn had come over earlier in the day and was sitting across from Goku as he drank his coffee.

"Hmm, I got a package today," Kuririn said while taking a sip.

"Oh yeah? What was it?" Goku asked.

"It was a clock. But when I first got it, I thought it was a bomb, I'm pretty sure you know how that went," Kuririn sighed.

"You ruined it?"

"Yep, it was a gift from someone, but I thought it was a bomb, it just kept ticking at me..." Kuririn frowned.

"Why didn't you just open it?" Goku asked.

"I was going to at first, but the ticking was worrying me, so I threw it out into the ocean and destroyed it," Kuririn scratched his head.

"Oh," Goku chuckled.

xxx

At that moment, Mr. Satan also received a package.

And it was not a clock.

xxx

"So, I'm thinking about getting a nose," Kuririn said after a moment.

"Why would you want a nose?" Goku said.

"I'm just considering it right now, but I think I could really use one," Kuririn murmured.

"C'mon, having a nose isn't all it's cracked up to be," Goku responded.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, you've got to keep it clean, and you've got to blow it all the time whenever you have a cold. And it's just one more place for your enemies to hit you," Goku explained.

"I still think it's better than having no nose at all, it's a pain always having to breathe out of my mouth like this," Kuririn frowned.

"I've never seen you breathe out of your mouth," Goku said, blinking.

"Of course I breathe out of my mouth Goku, I'm obviously not breathing out of my a-"

"Kuririn! Don't curse! Gohan might hear you!" Chichi shouted as she suddenly appeared, like magic. "I don't need my little boy, and Gohan, running around swearing like sailors because they heard you cursing."

"Whoops, sorry Chichi," Kuririn rubbed his neck in embarrassment, while Goku scratched his head in confusion at the "little boy" thing.

"You'd better be, and don't make me come back in here," Chichi threatened as she went to go check on Gohan.

"Anyway, I think I'd look pretty good with a nose, too," Kuririn steered them back on topic.

"Hmm..." Goku scratched his chin.

"What? Come on, just picture it, me with a nose," Kuririn said.

"Hmm..."

"I'd look like a stud, right?" Kuririn smirked.

"Nope... I just can't see it," Goku frowned.

"Well, I think I'd look like Yamcha, once I get my hair too," Kuririn said.

"Yamcha eh? I guess I could see that, if you got rid of the dots and became taller," Goku rubbed his chin.

"How do you think Yamcha would look without a nose?" Kuririn said suddenly.

Goku smiled at the though of a noseless Yamcha. "Do you mean after someone just violently ripped it off, or just him with no nose period?"

"I think I'd prefer it if someone ripped it off," Kuririn snickered.

"So wrong," Goku shook his head, but laughed anyway.

xxx

Yamcha sneezed suddenly.

"I'd better be coming down with a cold, because if there's someone out there insulting me, I'm gonna have to get rough with them," Yamcha smacked a fist into his palm.

His mouth twitched.

He then slowly cracked a smile.

"Argh! Not even I can take my threats seriously!" he smashed the table he was sitting at and sulked away.

xxx

Vegeta was in the kitchen eating a few dozen sandwiches at Capsule Corp, when Goku and Kuririn walked in and greeted him.

"Hey Vegeta," Goku waved as he sat down across from the short Saiyan.

"What do you want?" said Saiyan asked.

"We just came by to hang out," Goku smiled.

"Hang what out?" Vegeta muttered.

"Nothing. Hey, do you ever use the internet?" Goku asked him.

"How do you know what the internet is, Goku?" Kuririn asked him.

"Gohan showed me the other day, it's awesome. I was up all night 'surfing'," Goku said.

"You can read though?" Kuririn said before he could stop himself.

"What was that?" Goku said quickly.

"Uh, nothing, nothing at all," Kuririn laughed fearfully.

"Even if I knew what you two buffoons were talking about, I would rather kiss Furiiza's feet than talk about it with you," Vegeta snapped after finishing another sandwich.

"What, are you still upset about yesterday? I said I was sorry," Goku scratched his head.

"It was completely revolting Kakarotto, you're lucky I didn't kill you on the spot," Vegeta was starting to get angry again.

"But it was an accident, and besides, you _did_ try to kill me," Goku chuckled nervously.

"No one sneezes in my face!" Vegeta bellowed, spraying food bits on Goku and Kuririn.

xxx

Elsewhere. In the mountains.

Tien broke wind long and hard.

xxx

"Aheheh... I guess I shouldn't have put so much pepper on my fries, huh?" Goku rubbed his neck.

"I agree with Vegeta. It _was_ pretty gross Goku, I mean, there was snot everywhere, especially all over Vegeta, AND he was eating. Bleh" Kuririn added.

"I said I was sorry. And I thought I could turn around before I sneezed," Goku muttered.

"Get out of my kitchen," Vegeta growled.

"But Vegeta, this is Bulma's kitchen," Goku responded.

"Shut up, and get out before I kill you," Vegeta warned.

"Fine, I'll go. But I'm taking some sandwiches with me," Goku declared.

Vegeta wrapped his arms around his little sandwich pile and powered up.

"Okay, okay, jeez. It's not like you can't make more..." Goku left the room dejectedly.

"Well, Vegeta, it's just you and me now," Kuririn took a sip of his coffee, that he had made when no one was looking.

"Why are you still here? When I said 'get out' I was referring to the both of you," Vegeta said.

"I'm still drinking my coffee," the bald warrior said.

"Finish it quickly then. I'd just kick you out, but the woman is always nagging about leaving stuff open in the kitchen and wasting beverages," Vegeta snorted.

"Attracting ants?" Kuririn questioned.

"None of your business Baldy," Vegeta snapped, before squishing an ant with his finger.

"So... When was the last time you used a comb, Vegeta?" Kuririn snickered.

"What's a comb?" Vegeta said in bemusement.

Kuririn quietly fell out of his seat. He figured that Vegeta would say that.

Just then, Goku suddenly ran back into the room and grabbed a few sandwiches.

"I said I was taking some sandwiches and I meant it!" Goku shouted and ran out before Vegeta could do anything.

"..."

xxx

The two former students of the Turtle Hermit, were at Goku's house again the next day.

Kuririn sighed loudly as he read the newspaper.

"What's wrong Kuririn?" Goku asked.

"Well, I'm reading the paper here, and they're saying that Mr. Satan exploded yesterday," Kuririn answered.

"Who's that?" Goku said.

"The 'World Martial Arts Champion', he came onto the scene after we all stopped entering tournaments," Kuririn informed him.

"Oh. You said he exploded? How?" Goku wondered.

"I think his head got so big from all of his illusions of grandeur that it just went up in flames with a bang," Kuririn said dryly.

"Oh, really?" Goku blinked.

"No. It says here that he received a package that blew up when he opened it," Kuririn answered.

"Wow, that sucks," Goku said after a moment.

"It really makes you wonder if using the dragonballs so much to bring people back is really worth it. I mean, they're just gonna wind up exploding eventually, just like Mr. Satan," Kuririn sighed.

"Yeah. So, when are you going to grow some hair?" Goku asked.

"I'm not sure. I think I'll try the nose first, and see how that works out," Kuririn shrugged.

"How would you go about getting a nose anyway?" the Saiyan questioned.

"Well, I was going to use the dragonballs," the ex-monk said.

"That's kind of a selfish wish though, I'm just saying," Goku responded.

"Don't worry about it Goku. It's not like the world's gonna be destroyed in the future, or seven evil dragons will be created from the dragonballs because of one tiny, selfish wish," Kuririn laughed.

"Well... All right. You should hold off on the wish though for now, see if you really want a nose that bad," Goku replied.

"It's hard though. With all you "Nosies" walking around, flaunting your noses at me all day, I've about had enough," Kuririn frowned.

"Uh, yeah," Goku scratched his head.

xxx

That night, Gohan most likely died because he'd apparently been in his room for two days straight with no food. Whoops.

xxx

Notes: So... I was trying to sleep last night at three in the morning, but instead I was just thinking about stupid conversations the DBZ characters could have. So blame this oneshot on sleep deprivation, ok? It'll be our secret.


	2. Chapter Two

One of These Guys is Dead Like the Other

The very next day, Kuririn touched down on the ground in front of the Son home and after knocking on the door, let himself in.

"Hey, Goku," Kuririn greeted as he entered the house, heading towards the kitchen where he knew the tall Saiyan to be.

Goku nodded with a forlorn expression on his face and frowned.

"What's wrong, Goku?" Kuririn asked, worried.

Goku sighed sadly and answered, "Kuririn, Gohan's dead."

"What! How? When?" Kuririn said, horrified.

"This morning..." Goku rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"How did it happen though? Was he murdered by an old enemy?" Kuririn demanded.

"Uh..." Goku stared at the floor and mumbled something.

"Well?" Kuririn said desperately.

"He starved to death in his room last night," Goku muttered.

"Wha...? Tell me you're kidding, Goku," Kuririn said, stupefied.

"I'm afraid not, Kuririn," Goku sighed.

"He can survive being trained by Piccolo, battling evil Saiyans from space, and Furiiza, and how did he die? Food starvation," Kuririn muttered in disbelief.

"Yeah, like I'm not feeling bad enough, Kuririn," Goku frowned.

"Where's Chichi though? Hasn't she been feeding him?" Kuririn asked in confusion.

"She went shopping the other day... Hasn't been back since," Goku rubbed his neck slowly.

"But... You could have taken him out to eat or something!" Kuririn was grasping for anything now.

"I forgot he was in his room... I was too busy hanging out with you,"

"But... But... Why didn't he just leave his room and go look for some food...?" the bald one asked.

"Chichi. You know how strict she is about him studying, she told him he couldn't leave his room until he finished his work, and she to came to check it," Goku responded sadly.

"Wow... And she's not back yet?" Kuririn questioned.

"Nope, you know how far away the market is from here Kuririn, and she probably went to visit Bulma too," Goku explained.

"Come on... You had to have gone in his room to check on him, at least once!" Kuririn yelled.

"I did yesterday, I just thought he was tuckered out from all the studying and had dozed off," Goku scratched his head. "I have a solution though!"

"Oh yeah?" the shorter man asked.

"Yeah, we can just use the dragonballs and wish Gohan back to life before Chichi gets back!" Goku said triumphantly.

Kuririn blanched and pointed to the new feature to his face.

"What the... Kuririn... You didn't," Goku gasped. Having just noticed the nose for the first time.

"Yeah... Sorry. I didn't think Gohan was going to die today, so I got the dragonballs together last night and wished for a new nose," Kuririn scratched the side of his new nose proudly for second before remembering that Gohan had to stay dead because of it.

"Well, I guess you do look pretty happening with it, I'll give you that," Goku nodded. "Wait minute..."

xxx

Mr Satan's big "blow up" was all over the news, they couldn't find any remains except some of his afro and some chunks of flesh. Most of his mansion had been destroyed in the explosion, a few servants had been killed here and there, but no one seemed to care about them anyway. Luckily, his young daughter, Videl, had not been home at the time.

Imagine her surprise at coming home to find no home? Only some of the back of the mansion and some dad bits strewn about? That must have sucked. She was never getting that Satan smell out of her clothes, either.

xxx

"So what will we do now, Kuririn? Now that you used the dragonballs," Goku accused.

"I got nothing man," Kuririn shrugged. "Maybe we can ask Piccolo?"

"Yeah, good idea, but I can't detect his ki," Goku brows furrowed in concentration.

"I've got it covered," Kuririn replied.

xxx

"Ugh... What happened?" Gohan groaned as he stood up and looked around. There were yellow clouds as far as the eye could see, and apparently he was standing in some sort of line. A very long line.

"Last thing I remember is passing out while I was studying..." the long haired youth mumbled. "Well, guess I'll just wait in this line uneventfully."

xxx

It was a strange scene to witness, a seven foot something green man floating under a waterfall. While somehow making rocks of various sizes float in the air, break, and reform.

This continued for several seconds until a loud beeping was heard.

Piccolo opened one of his eyes and dug around in his pocket, don't ask where said pocket came from since he's wearing a gi...

He pulled out a beeper and took a look. "Hmm, looks like Kuririn has something urgent to tell me. Better go find a phone."

The tall Namekian flew off on his quest for a phone.

xxx

"Piccolo has a beeper?" Goku asked wide eyed.

"Yeah, how else would we find him on movie night? He always forgets," Kuririn explained.

"Oh, right..." Goku responded.

xxx

Meanwhile, Videl was busy freaking out about her home, and dad, exploding.

"No!" Videl wailed, as she fell to her knees and grabbed handfuls of rubble in her small hands, as tears poured down her cheeks.

"I left a sandwich in the refrigerator this morning! It was a good sandwich!" Videl blubbered as she stepped over a dead body and went to go cry in the kitchen.

xxx

Piccolo in the meantime had found a phone booth and had somehow managed to squeeze himself in it.

"Now, let's see..." Piccolo mumbled as he attempted to move an arm enough to dial Kuririn's cellular phone number.

"Argh! This booth is too small!" the son of Piccolo Daimao bellowed as people on the sidewalk gathered around and stared in wonder.

xxx

After an undetermined amount of time waiting, Gohan finally reached the front of the line.

Staring up at the huge desk in awe, Gohan blinked and called out, "Hello? Is there anybody up there?"

Suddenly a huge head appeared in his line of vision as King Yenma peered over the desk at him and raised an eyebrow. He filed through some papers on his desk, looking for the cause the half Saiyan's untimely demise.

"So, it says in your file that you died from hunger," Yenma said in his booming voice and read through the file a bit more. "Oh, you're a Saiyan. What, did you skip lunch or something?"

"Well sir, I think I missed lunch and dinner, I can't remember very well though," Gohan frowned.

Yenma stared for a moment and addressed the file again, "Seems you've been pretty busy in the past few years, killed a few people I see..."

"Well... I didn't really kill anyone..." Gohan looked at his feet.

"But you helped kill quite a few," Yenma said.

"..."

"Until I decide where to put you permanently, you can just wait in Hades for a bit," Yenma decided.

"But-but I helped saved Namek and Earth!" Gohan blanched.

"Well kid, no matter what you 'saved', you can't just go around killing people and not receive some sort of punishment for it," the gigantic red skinned man boomed, and then slammed his massive gavel down on the desk, sending the protesting Gohan down to hades.

"Kids these days, always killing someone," Yenma shook his head sadly.

xxx

After a while, Piccolo managed to squeeze out of the phone booth. Once outside, he simply stuck one of his arms in it and dialed Kuririn's cell phone number.

The green alien waited for a few seconds until, finally, Kuririn answered.

"What did you want?" Piccolo demanded as he held the phone up to his ear.

"..."

"WHAT! GOHAN'S DEAD!" Piccolo shouted, rattling the booth.

"..."

"So you got a nose using the dragonballs? Yeah, I could see that, pretty happening," Piccolo agreed.

"..."

"Oh. Gohan. Right. Well, Goku can probably just teleport to New Namek using the Instantaneous Movement technique."

"..."

"He says he needs a ki signature to focus on? Can't help you there."

"..."

"Well I'm not Batman! I don't have all the answers! Don't get cross with me you midget!" Piccolo snapped.

"..."

"Movie night? Tomorrow? All right, I'll be there," Piccolo hung up and walked off.

xxx

"All right. It's taken care of," Kuririn put his cell phone away.

"You mean he's coming to movie night?" Goku asked.

"Yeah, we can talk about that later though, let's focus on the current issue," Kuririn replied.

"How about King Kai?" Goku perked up.

"What about him?" Kuririn asked.

"I can contact him and have him give me a ki signature to focus on, or at least an image of New Namek," Goku smiled.

"Great idea, Goku," Kuririn nodded.

Goku's brows were knitted together in concentration as he focused his thoughts on catfish looking being.

xxx

King Kai was peacefully washing his car when his mind was suddenly bombarded with loud shouts.

"KING KAI! HELLO? I'VE BEEN THINKING AT YOU FOR THREE MINUTES!"

"Gah!" Kai, in his surprised states, smashed his hand through the front window of his poor car.

"Goku! Stop screaming! You're lucky I didn't bust my hand just now!" King Kai shouted back as he wiped glass off his hand.

"Sorry King Kai," Goku said sheepishly.

"And you made me ruin my car window! My poor baby, I should have gotten car insurance," Kai sighed as he stared at his busted window.

"Well, you might as well tell me what you want Goku," Kai said.

"Oh yeah, well, Gohan's dead, and we need to go to New Namek so we can revive him before Chichi gets home and kills me too," Goku explained.

"I... I won't even ask," King Kai said after a moment.

"So can you point me towards Namek?" Goku asked.

"Sure... But I have a joke," Kai said.

"... Okay, what is it?"

"How many Namekians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" Kai smiled.

"... Okay I give up, how ma-"

"None! Namekians don't have lightbulbs!" Kai snickered loudly.

"..."

"... Hello? Goku? You still there?" Kai asked.

xxx

"Ugh... Not again," Gohan groaned as he stood up and surveyed his surroundings in confusion. He guessed he was in Hades since that was where that giant said he was going.

He spent the next few minutes wandering around the lake of blood, until he bumped into someone he thought he'd never see again...

"Hahaha... Well if it isn't Kakarotto's brat," Raditz smirked.

"Raditz!" Gohan growled as he snapped into a fighting stance.

"What are you doing down here? Did you take a wrong turn or something? Better yet, who killed you? Was it Vegeta or Nappa?" Raditz chuckled.

"No..." Gohan stared at his feet.

"Oh? Well who did it then?"

"I sorta... Starved to death in my room," Gohan muttered.

"... HAHAHAHAHA! That's a new one! Seriously, wow," the Saiyan with the ridiculously long hair laughed.

Gohan then attempted to set his uncle on fire with his eyes.

xxx

"Goku, did you just mentally hang up on King Kai?" Kuririn asked.

"Yeah," Goku answered. "He was telling a lightbulb joke Kuririn, I couldn't take it."

"But he's your only chance at reviving Gohan," Kuririn said in disbelief.

"But it was a terrible joke Kuririn... I can't deal with that right now," Goku covered his face with his hands.

"Come on Goku, which would you rather deal with, King Kai telling bad jokes, or Chichi's wrath?" Kuririn reasoned.

"Oooh, didn't think about that," the Super Saiyan realized.

xxx

"Oh. Look who's come crawling back," King Kai snickered.

"Come on, King Kai, can't you just help me without telling jokes?" Goku pleaded.

"No. That's the deal. If you want help, you have to listen to a joke," Kai crossed his arms.

"Gah... Okay, fine,"

"All right. What did the Namekian do when his car broke down?" Kai snickered.

"... I don't know, what?"

"Nothing! Namekians don't drive!" Kai burst out laughing.

"..."

"... Hahaha, that was a great joke King Kai," Goku forced out.

"I know! I heard that one from a dead comedian a while back," Kai smiled.

"How'd he die?" Goku had to ask.

"He was murdered by the audience at a stand up comedy club, not sure why though," Kai shrugged.

"... Oh. Well, now that you've told me the joke, can you contact the Nameks and ask them to collect the dragonballs to wish Gohan back?" Goku asked.

"No problem, just a minute," Kai said.

xxx

Goku and Kuririn sat at the kitchen table and waited for King Kai to finish.

"So, uh, how has the new nose been treating you?" Goku asked as he looked up from the table.

"It's pretty good, I mean I like how it looks on me, but I'm starting to see what you meant about having a nose yesterday," Kuririn stared at his coffee for a moment.

"Oh?" the Saiyan raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I was at a coffee place before I came over here, and some jerk threw a frisbee at my head, it smashed right into my nose. And I was walking down the street and two different people elbowed me in the nose within one hour, if I didn't have one, it wouldn't have hurt so much," Kuririn frowned.

"Told you so," Goku responded.

xxx

Raditz sat himself down on a nearby rock and waved Gohan over. "Come on nephew, come sit on your uncle Raditz's knee."

"What? You tried to kill me!" Gohan accused.

"Well it's not like I can kill you now, right? What, would I choke you to life or something?" Raditz shrugged.

"Well... I guess you have a point," Gohan conceded, and walked over and sat on another rock.

"So, where was Kakarotto when you died?" Raditz asked.

"In the kitchen, I think..." Gohan said slowly.

"So, killing his brother wasn't enough, huh? He had to kill his son, too," Raditz shook his head sadly.

"... I guess he was just busy with something else, that's all," Gohan defended his dad.

"Something more important than feeding his kid? That's priceless!" Raditz laughed out loud.

"..."

xxx

"So, I'm thinking about wearing normal clothes more often," Goku said to Kuririn.

"That's a bold step for you, Goku, what would you wear though?" Kuririn asked out of curiosity

Goku thought about it, "Eh... Probably a jeans and jacket combo."

"I could see it. I think you might want to get a hat or something though," the bald martial artist said.

"Because of my hair?"

"Yeah, it's a real mess," Kuririn rubbed his nose.

Just then, King Kai mentally informed Goku that the Namekians were ready.

"Thanks King Kai, just ask them to wish Gohan back," Goku smiled.

"That's it?" Kai asked.

"Yeah,"

"But you have two other wishes," Kai explained.

"So?"

"That's a bit of a waste don't you think?" Kai continued.

"Okay fine, uh..." Goku rubbed his chin in thought. "Revive Mr. Satan?"

"Now that's a waste of a wish," Kuririn said dryly.

"Gah, fine, all I want is to have Gohan revived," Goku told King Kai.

"Okay, waste two perfectly good wishes. Just don't come crying to me when decide you want something, but it's too late to wish for it," Kai said.

A few moments go by until Gohan suddenly appears in the kitchen, alive and well.

"Dad! Kuririn! I'm so glad to see you!" Gohan ran over and hugged his father. "Where's mom though?"

Goku frowned, "I... Don't know. She's been gone for three days now, I thought she'd gone shopping and to see Bulma."

Just then Kuririn's cellular phone rang.

"Hello? Piccolo? What's the problem?" Kuririn frowned. "That's horrible! Thanks for calling me."

"What's wrong, Kuririn?" Goku asked.

"Well, Chichi's dead," Kuririn said, feeling sorry for Goku and Gohan.

"Wow, I guess King Kai was right after all," Goku frowned.

"Mom's dead?" Gohan said, about to cry.

"Yeah. You guys need to stop dying, you're killing my good mood," Goku said in annoyance.

The three shared a hardy laugh at Chichi's expense.

xxx

Eventually, in about half a year, they wished Chichi back. And boy was she mad, but it all turned out all right. Especially Kuririn, since he got a new nose out of the whole thing. Well, everybody was happy except Videl, seeing as how her father exploded and most of their money had been in a vault in the mansion, which exploded. So she's sort of poor and homeless. You get my point though. Mostly everyone is happy.

xxx

End

Notes: JayManney4Life gave me some ideas for this second chapter, which I horribly mutilated. But yeah, thanks for that. ;)

Anyways, I had fun writing this, and I hope everyone who read it found some amusement in it as well. Make sure to review, to let me know what you thought about the story.


End file.
